Parenting 101: Power Struggles

Power struggles are one of the hardest parts of parenting.  You proclaim that something must be done this way.  Your child refuses to do it that way.  You dig in.  You threaten.  You take something away and put it out of reach.  Your child digs in.  He starts yelling, kicking, hitting.  There is no happy ending in sight.

No one enjoys these moments.

So, how do you navigate these moments without them turning into a power struggle?

5 tips for avoiding power struggles:

*Realize that very little in life has to be one way.  When you are about to dig in your heels on an issue, stop and ask yourself WHY?  Why do I feel that this must be done this way?  Is it because that is how I want it to be done, or because there is really no other way to do it?  If the answer is that there is really only one way to do it, then you have no choice but to do it that way.  If this is one of the other 99% of all interactions, try a little creative thinking and decide if there is another way to accomplish your goal.

*Reevaluate the goal, and determine if what you think is your goal actually is your goal.  Much of the time, we think that our goal is one thing when actually we are thinking of the path to the goal.  For example, is your goal really to throw away a choking hazard, or is it to keep a baby safe?  If it is to keep a baby safe, is there another way to do it besides throwing away a choking hazard?

*Consider whether there may be a way to compromise.  There is nearly always a way to compromise on an issue.  Even when it is a safety issue, is there a way to do it differently that would be safe?

*Consider the event from the other person's point of view.  It is very easy to get stuck in our own point of view, but it can inhibit one's ability to find a compromise.  People very rarely do things just to bother other people.  After all, who wants to hang out with a grump?  So consider that the other person probably has a reason for wanting things to be done their way as well.  Considering from both perspectives may help a compromise to become evident.

*Consider whether the relationship is more important than the issue - or not?  Sometimes, there is a deal breaker.  But much of the time, the relationship really is more important than the issue.  If this is the case, decide how to back down in a way that allows you to maintain your dignity as well.  Often, simply saying, "You know, I have thought about it and decided that I don't actually care as much about this issue as I thought I did," is a great way to back out of an uncomfortable situation.

Power struggles don't have to happen.  You have the power to make them not happen.  These tips apply to parenting, but also to relationships in general.  I use the same methods with my 2 year old, my almost 5 year old, my almost 7 year old, and my husband.  And all of our relationships have flourished because of it.

What other tips do you have for avoiding power struggles?

Parenting 101: Finding a Routine or Rhythm

One parenting tool that I have seen work time and again, but which is so difficult for many parents to adopt, is having a daily routine or rhythm.  This simple technique can improve so many aspects of daily life, including moodiness (in both parents and children), power struggles, eating problems, bedtime struggles and sleep times, and so much more.

Many parents struggle with the idea of a routine.  They feel as though they are not organized enough.  They have a varied schedule during the week and so a daily routine seems impossible.  They feel like it is too much work to maintain the same routine day after day or it seems like a chore.  They feel that a routine is too constraining and doesn’t allow the child to follow his or her own lead, or that it doesn't leave time for impulsive play.  However, a daily rhythm or routine can work for ALL of these people.

The trick is to not make it too rigid, if rigid doesn’t work for your family.  Now, I will also say that if your family needs rigid, by all means, go for rigid!  When Sofi was a toddler, rigid was the name of the game.  She had to be eating by certain times every day or she just couldn't handle life.  So I had alarms set for snack and meal times to remind me to start cooking before she lost it.  It worked well for us at the time and it kept a lot of peace in the household.  Luckily, the boys haven’t needed so much structure and Sofi has grown into being able to wait longer to eat.  So the past several years we haven’t been so rigid.

So, how does one go about making a rhythm for their family?  Start off with some utensil for making a list - pen and paper, computer, smart phone, whatever works for you.  See how flexible this is already?!  Now, think about what your family already does every day.  Probably, you eat a few times.  Perhaps there is a nap involved.  You probably all go to bed at some point.  Perhaps there is another daily event, like homeschooling, that typically happens every day.  Perhaps you brush your hair and teeth every day.  Perhaps you typically - even for part of the year - play outside every day (or your kids do), or just have a free play period every day.  Just jot all of that stuff down.

Now, start putting it all in order of how you usually do these things.  Include anything that anyone does, even if it happens simultaneously.  Our day typically looks a lot like this:

Daddy wakes up early.

Sofi wakes up.  Daddy may send her back to bed or it may be late enough for her to stay up.

Daddy and Sofi hang out and make their breakfast.

The boys wake up.

Mommy wakes up and gets dressed.

Mommy makes breakfast for anyone who hasn’t eaten yet.

Daddy leaves for work if he hasn’t already.

Everyone eats breakfast and cleans up the table.

Structured homeschool activities (math, spelling, sight words, whatever we happen to be working on at the time).

Kids get dressed.

Brush everyone’s hair and teeth.

Free play.

Lunch time (anywhere between 11 and noon).

Elliott naps while the big kids play and Mommy does chores or computer work.

Afternoon free play and Elliott wakes up at some point.

Dinner prep.

Eat dinner - ideally between 5:30 and 6:30.

Bedtime alarm goes off and we do bedtime routine.

So, you can see, the only things on my list with any times attached are lunch and dinner, and even they are a bit flexible.  The bedtime alarm does go off at 7:30 every night, but if we are still at the table, we run late for bed.

Also, we tend to only follow this routine during the week - the weekend has its own sort of routine.  And, we don’t follow the routine to a T every day, either.  On Tuesdays, for instance, we have swim class after lunch.  But, we simply replace the portion of the afternoon routine that we would normally do with the Tuesday swim class routine - we don’t overhaul the entire day because of the change.

Our routine is very flexible, but it allows the kids to feel that they have some control over their days.  They know what is coming.  They know what to expect.  There is no struggle most days, because they know what will happen and they don’t fight it.  And if there is a part of the day that they fight - we figure out what the struggle is and how to make it less struggle for everyone.

Another nice part is that if there is something I need to happen every day, or that I’d like to add in to our day, I just look at the routine and figure out when it would be best for that to happen, and set a reminder on my phone.  Then, it just becomes habit since it is part of the routine, and we all get adjusted to it.

Does your family use a routine?  What does it look like at your house?

Parenting 101: Use Your Words

One of the best tools in the parenting toolbox for toddlers is "Use your words!"  This should be your mantra as the parent of a toddler!  Using your words teaches your toddler how to express him or herself in constructive ways to help the world around them make more sense and to help them get their needs met more easily.  So if you really want to help your toddler through all of the rockiness and trauma that can accompany the time between about 18 months and 4 years, you really, really need to

Use your words!

Yes, you read that correctly.  You need to use your words, as a parent.  As a parent, it is very important that you are talking, talking, talking to your children.  The more words a child hears, the smarter that child will be and the larger a vocabulary that child will have.  Not only that, using real world applications for words teaches your child how to interact with the real world in a real way.  Reading books is a great way to expand a child's knowledge, but talking them through an everyday situation can be far more valuable.

One of the best, and least used applications of this theory is the temper tantrum.  One sage piece of toddler advice, passed on to moms over and over is to ignore temper tantrums.  This may work for some families.  It may get the child to stop throwing tantrums.  I've never seen this happen, but perhaps it does.  Another approach, and one that we have seen major success with, it to try talking to your child as the tension mounts.  Asking questions or even just verbalizing for the child that you understand the problem can often quell the rising tide of emotion.  This is not to say that you have to agree with or give in to the child, but just acknowledging that you know what they are communicating, you understand their frustration, and that you are sorry that it has to be that way can often take the situation down to a tolerable level.

For example, Elliott has lately reached a very proprietary stage.  The words "mine, mine!" come out of his little mouth quite often these past few weeks.  And when his older siblings refuse his shouts for whatever toy they are playing with, he gets quite upset.  Rather than force his siblings to give up the toys they are playing with, we have talked our way through the situation with Elliott.  "Elliott wants the tractor?  Yes, I understand that you want to play with the tractor.  It is Walter's turn with the tractor right now.  Elliott can have a turn in a minute when Walter is done.  And Elliott is upset?  I understand, Elliott is sad about the tractor.  It will be Elliott's turn in a minute."  Going through this scenario actually does help to calm him down about 8 times out of 10.  Just being understood helps him greatly.  Typically, we also try to find an alternative toy for him in these situations, but it isn't always possible and sometimes he just has to wait.

The greater pay off, though, happened this morning.  I was upstairs getting dressed and ready to come down for the day.  Daddy had just left for work and all 3 kids were playing downstairs.  From my room, I could plainly hear them enjoying themselves when suddenly I heard that patter of toddler feet and Elliott demanded, "Tractor!  Tractor!"  Walter responded with complete kindness, "I'm playing with the tractor right now, Elliott!"  There was a brief pause and then, Elliott exclaimed, "Turn!  Turn!"  Walter calmly replied that Elliott could have a turn with the tractor in just a minute - and then followed through.  Elliott, for his part, was able to feel that he had communicated his needs, been heard and understood, and was able to wait the minute for his own turn with the tractor, without having a tantrum.

And in case you missed the other huge part of this equation - Walter, at 4 years old, knew how to handle the situation calmly, fairly, and appropriately, because while helping Elliott we have also modeled for Walter and Sofi how to compassionately help someone - even when we aren't prepared to give them what they want.

So just remember, parents - use your words!!!

Parenting 101: The Magic Timer

The Magic Timer is this miraculous invention, created by I couldn't tell you who.  But, I CAN tell you that it works!  It works ridiculously well.  One thing that really helps children to make transitions is a predictable event.  Some things come with their own event to make the transition easier - Mommy arrives at the babysitter's, it is time to get ready to go home.  Some things do not - what signals that it is time to stop playing at the park, or in the bathtub, or that it is time to let our brother have a turn with the cool toy?  This is where the Magic Timer comes to the rescue!

What is this Magic Timer, you say?  Where can you get one?  Does it cost $19.99 plus shipping?  Heck no!  The Magic Timer can be any timer you have available!  A kitchen timer will work - even the one attached to your stove or microwave if the kids can hear it from where they are.  If you don't have one of these, there are apps for your smart phone or programs for your computer that will work.  A wrist or pocket watch with an alarm will work.  A stop watch isn't ideal, because it doesn't usually ding, but it can work in a pinch if that is all you have.

How do you use it?  When you are about ready to make a big transition with your child that you know the child is not going to make easily, you whip out your timer and follow these three easy steps!

1. Say, "We are having so much fun at the playground, but we are going to have to leave in about 3 minutes, so I can start cooking dinner.  I'll set the timer for 3 minutes!"  You set your handy timer, and the countdown begins.

2. If you know this is a particularly tough transition for your child, give a few more reminders as the timer counts down.  "Ok, we have one more minute before the timer goes off!  Hurry and go down the slide again as fast as you can!"

3. When the timer goes off, draw the child's attention to the timer before you turn it off.  Then, ask them to wrap up their activity in a way that works for them, and highlight what you are going to do next.  "The timer is going off!  It's time to come down from the playground!  Do you want to slide down the slide, or walk down the steps?"  When the child has chosen and followed through, because it is still fun to go down the slide or the steps or what have you, then move on to the highlighting.  "We are going to go inside and make some dinner!  Are you hungry?  I'm hungry.  We'll have some yummy green peas!  While I make some rice, you can stir your pans on the floor!"  Whatever gets your kid excited about what you are doing, this is what you need to be highlighting.  Talk about it together the entire way into the house.  Don't look back.

The magic timer works really well for a number of different transitions.  We use it nightly for bedtime.  There is an alarm on my phone that goes off when it is time to get ready for bed.  No matter what we are doing when that alarm goes off, my kids know that the time is nigh.  If we are eating dinner still, they finish up, clean up their spots, go potty, and head upstairs.  If we finished dinner an hour ago and they are crafting or playing, they know when the alarm goes off it is time to clean up, go potty, and head upstairs.  No muss, fuss, or arguing.

We use it for long car trips, so the kids know when we will be stopping.  I've set it to help them wait for dinner to be done, or Daddy to get home, or when I'll be ready to do a requested activity with them.  I've set it to help mediate a toy sharing issue.  I've set it for leaving activities or friends' houses.  The Magic Timer is just a great tool that kids can count on.  It can't be argued with - Mom didn't say you had to get out of the tub, the timer just went off so bath time is over!  It is predictable - once the timer is set, it always goes off.  It is a definitive - time to make dinner is very slippery for a child who can't tell time yet, but knowing that the timer is going to go off lets the child get comfortable with the situation knowing that there will be a definite signal when it is time to go.

Does it work every time?  Well, sadly, as in all things parenting, it isn't going to work every single time.  The initial use of the timer is something that will need to be worked at.  The younger the child, the less they will grasp the concept of the timer at first.  In my experience, children do catch on pretty quickly to the timer, even at a young age.  But, the first time it goes off, they will need to be shown exactly what is going on, and instructed (gently) in exactly what it is that is expected of them in response to the timer.  But keep your patience up, keep the Magic Timer a positive experience, and in very little time it will be one of the best tools in your parenting toolbox.

Parenting 101: The Snack Tray

I am not going to claim, by any stretch of the imagination, to have invented the snack tray.  However, I am going to tell all of the first time parents out there about them, and how they work.

This tray fed all three of my kids for an afternoon.

Toddlers, and even preschoolers, can be interesting people to feed sometimes.  They never seem to want much of anything to eat.  They often eat two bites and are done.  Getting them to sit down long enough to eat something can be a struggle.  And giving them a largish something to eat can turn into a mess very quickly.  So, how does a mom make sure that her kids are getting a good variety of foods without struggling?  The snack tray!

The snack tray is any type of a dish (you probably want a break resistant type) that is compartmentalized into small sections.  Many people use ice cube trays, muffin tins, or other plastic serving or storage dishes with compartments.  The tray is filled with a small amount each of a variety of snacks.  Then, the tray is placed out on a table or other low shelf area where the child can easily access it.  The tray is generally left accessible during the majority of the day, allowing the child to grab a snack without really interrupting their play.  It is a really great way to get some extra food into a child who may not yet have the cognitive ability to sit still long enough to have longer snacks or meals.  It is also a good way to ensure a variety of food in the child's diet.

Some snack tray ideas include:

*Thawed frozen veggies - my kids love green peas or green beans.
*Fresh fruits, cut into bite sized pieces - stick to hardy types, though, or monitor throughout the day to be sure they haven't gone mushy in the tray.
*Cooked or canned beans - chick peas, kidney beans, pinto beans
*Raisins or dried cranberries
*Other dried fruit, if it is age appropriate for your child.
*Nuts, if age appropriate
*Dry cereal bites
*Baby "puff" type snacks
*Muffins or biscuits, cut into bites
*Bagels cut into bites
*Sandwiches or wraps, cut into bites
*Tater tots
*Cheese cubes, if you can eat that kind of thing
*Hard boiled egg, cut into bites - again, if you can eat that kind of thing
*Baby carrots, if age appropriate
*Bell pepper strips, if age appropriate
*Celery sticks, if age appropriate
*Diced eggplant, tomato, avocado (be handy with a wipe if you venture there), sweet potato, zucchini or yellow squash, cucumber, or turnip.
*Pomegranate seeds (technically called arils)
*Sliced mushrooms
*Chopped broccoli or cauliflower florets, if age appropriate
*Melon cubes
*Crackers, graham crackers, animal crackers

Really, the possibilities are endless!  If it will fit in the cup and your child can grab it and eat it with little fuss, go for it!  When using snack trays, I often keep a wipe laying out next to the tray for the child to wipe his or her hands on, or for me to snag and help wipe them.  Sippy cup next to the tray as well and the power struggle over food may just be over for you!

*One side note, do NOT be discouraged if it takes a few tries for your little one to figure out how to use the snack tray without attempting to play in the snack tray.  It is not the least bit unusual for the snacks to disappear into the play dishes, or to become a smear somewhere.  Just go slow at first, make the foods you offer easy to clean up, and model, model, model how we use the snack tray.  As the child understands the system more and more, you will be more and more free with what you can load it up with and how closely you have to monitor it.

Parenting 101: Don't Say Don't!!

The toddler years are firmly upon us at our house, and Elliott is acting every bit of his nearly 2 years old!  While a lot of this time can be lovely, a lot can be tumultuous.  One thing that can be especially frustrating for tots is that their language and cognition skills have yet to catch up with their physical abilities, and their more grown up desires.  This is one of the big things that leads to temper tantrums and "acting out" at this age.  For a toddler, they are having the equivalent of an Italian vacation after having taken Italian 101 in high school.  Even the things they do understand can be confusing when they are combined with things they don't understand.  And imagine how frustrated you would feel if you were in Italy and everything you tried to tell someone was misinterpreted, or at least required lengthy clarification through gestures, limited words, and facial expressions!

There are some strategies to help children through this time, though. While it is important to use a broad vocabulary with children throughout their lives, when trying to negotiate a specific point with a toddler, use specific, simple words.  Be clear and concise.  Ask questions! Use gestures and show instead of just using words.  Point at things and ask, "This one?"

Another really important point to remember is that the word "don't" is kind of lost on toddlers.  Most of them are just cognitively not at the point of being able to register and understand this word in the early years.  Plus, saying "Don't XYZ" doesn't tell them what they should be doing.  Instead, as my children know well these days, tell them what you DO want them to do!

In fact, telling kids what you DO want is a good idea at every stage. Actually, it is just a good tip for communicating in general.  Even my husband likes it when I tell him what I DO want him to do instead of just nagging about what I don't want him to do.

So, remember, don't say don't!!!

Mindful Pregnancy Checklist

I was recently sent an email from a big name pregnancy and baby website, directing me to their pregnancy checklist.  I was surprised that while it included things like, "Make a Baby Budget", "Have Sex", and "Find a Prenatal Exercise Class" it left off many things that I consider to be highly important, such as, "Make sure that you and your care provider are compatible", or "Decide where you would like to give birth."  So, I decided that I'd make my own mindful pregnancy checklist.

*****I have worked on this for hours, and there is a lot of information and links here.  Because of this, I made a printable checklist that is only one page, as well.  For the printable checklist, which is quite a bit shorter than the one below, click here.***

Mindful Pregnancy Checklist

* Figure out your "Due Time".  Your due date is an estimation of when you will deliver.  It is smack dab in the middle of a four week window during which the majority of women will give birth, with most of these women giving birth AFTER 40 weeks gestation [1, 2].  Some women refer to this time as their due month.

* Check out your vitamin and make sure that you are getting what you need.  If you weren't already taking vitamins before conception, it is a really good idea to go ahead and start now.  You can often get a prescription from your doctor which insurance will cover, but there are many prenatal options available.  I have a hard time swallowing pills - especially in the first trimester - so chewables work best for me.  Also, vitamins with iron often cause nausea, so opting for one without, if you aren't anemic, can be a good option as well.  Just remember, there are many options and it is better to explore than miss most doses because your current vitamin isn't working for you.

* Think about where you would like to give birth, and research your options.  Many people assume that a woman will simply give birth at the hospital closest to her home, and that is the only option.  However, there are actually several options, and several reasons why a woman would birth somewhere else.  Some hospitals don't have maternity wings, so you may need to go further away to birth than expected.  Many hospitals have policies that may not work for your desired birth, such as policies on VBACs, doulas, or birth plans.  Free standing birthing centers with midwives or home birth are also good options for many low risk women.

* Choose your doctor or midwife.  Sometimes knowing where you want to give birth first is helpful in narrowing down providers, but sometimes you will know you want a certain provider and will go to where he or she practices instead.  For example, if you know you want a homebirth, you will be looking for a midwife instead of an obstetrician.  If you know a certain OB who your friends have used and liked, then you may chose to go to a hospital farther from home in order to use him or her.  The care provider's philosophies on prenatal care, C-section rate, birthing rules, and personality should all be factors in your choice of provider.

* Make sure that any medications you take are safe during pregnancy.  Long term medications may need to be switched or adjusted.  Over the counter medications can also be unsafe during pregnancy, so be certain that whatever you are taking won't hurt your baby.

* Eat well.  Bulk up on your fruits and veggies.  Get lots of good protein.  Aim for 80 - 100 grams per day.

* Learn about the different tests that will be offered (or demanded) during your pregnancy.  This is a decent list of screenings and tests that your provider may want to perform.  Remember that all of these tests are optional, to some degree.  Some may benefit you while others may not.  Learn about each test, the benefits and risks, and decide which ones you are comfortable with pursuing.

* Consider the impact of your pregnancy for others and announce it.  There are people that you will call (or text, ahem) as soon as the second line appears on that stick.  But there are others who you will handle differently.  Employers, for one, will need to be notified in a more professional manner.  Typically, one tells employers when the pregnancy begins to affect work OR after the first trimester - whichever comes first.  Your employer will need time to plan for your maternity leave if you are returning to work, or for your replacement if you are not planning on returning.  Giving them ample time for this is a courtesy.  Also, consider those who may take the news hard, and break it to them gently, while giving them room to process.  With fertility problems at a high in our society right now, we all know someone who has struggled to conceive.  Even if that person is happy for you, they may be sad for themselves at the same time.  Blind siding them with a cheery announcement over Christmas dinner with the family may not be the most kind thing you have ever done.  Consider dropping an email to let them know ahead of time, so that they can process the news alone and be prepared when you spring the news on everyone else.

* Think about the items you will want and need for the new baby.  Register, ask friends to make things, make things yourself, and begin to buy things.  Every family's needs are different.  Some families will want the complete matching nursery, high chair, baby swing, travel system, and wardrobe, while others will want little more than a wrap, a week's worth of gender neutral baby clothes, and some cloth diapers.  Figure out what you really want and need for your baby and start having the fun of picking out those tiny little things!

* Think about the expenses that will occur after the baby arrives.  How will your birth be paid for?  Even if you have health insurance, there may be a deductible to be met.  If you are paying for a home birth, it may be out of pocket (although this may cost less than what your share of a hospital birth might cost).  Then, there will be feeding costs, clothing, diapering, toys and accessories.  How much money will you have to allocate to these things and how will you choose to spend it?

* Determine your support system.  Who is your usual support?  If this is your first baby, do you know other parents who you admire?  How supportive are your parents?  How supportive are your grandparents?  How open to new ideas are they?  Do you have friends with babies?  Do they parent the way you will want to?  If so, you are golden.  You know who you can call with any crazy baby questions that arise (and trust me - there will be crazy baby questions!).  If you don't, start looking around for others who can support you in the areas you may feel lacking.  For example, if you know you want to breastfeed, but all the moms you know formula fed, pregnancy is the time to start searching out breastfeeding support.  Looking for information about La Leche League while holding a screaming week old baby who just isn't latching well is SO much more stressful than attending a couple meetings during your third trimester.  And getting to know some leaders and moms you'd be comfortable calling if problems arise can really be priceless.  Also, if there is a mom in your life whose parenting you would like to emulate, let her know ahead of time!  She may be more comfortable offering advice if she knows you would like to know what she is thinking.

* Stay active during pregnancy.  The first trimester can make this one really tough, what with the exhaustion and all.  But that typically starts to lift as the second trimester approaches.  At this point, try to maintain activity!  The more active you are now, the easier the third trimester and labor will be later.  Your body is going to do some hard work carrying that extra weight around and birthing your baby.  Keeping your muscles toned will help it to do both of these things.

* Consider who you would like at your birth, including a doula.  A hired labor partner can be a great asset.  Many women have the expectation and dream that their husband will be the perfect labor coach, guiding you through every contraction and difficult decision.  But that is a LOT of pressure for someone who can really only sympathize remotely, and may be feeling very overwhelmed himself!  A doula is an experienced labor coach who knows all about how the body works, has studied pain management techniques, knows what to expect from the stages of labor, knows what interventions a doctor may want to perform - and understands the risks and benefits of these interventions - all of which helps you to determine what to do under pressure.  Consider hiring someone if you feel at all uncertain about labor and birth.

Beyond a doula, who else do you want - or not want - at your birth?  Some women really do not want anyone at all extra to be nearby when they give birth.  Some women relish the support and love of an intimate group of friends.  Who you want to be with you is a PERSONAL decision, and should not be dictated by anyone else's standards.  If you love someone who will be nervous the entire time, it may be stressful to have that person in the room with you.  If someone has a tendency to be bossy, it may be too stressful to have that person in the room with you.  If there is someone you know who just KNOWS how to say things in a way that make sense to you, and that pulls you back from the brink of hysterics with just the right words every time, perhaps that person would be a great addition to your labor team - even if it is someone unexpected.  Do you want your children there?  If so, who do you want to be there to take care of your children's needs while you are laboring?  These are all things to consider long and hard before deciding and asking.

* Make a list of baby names.  This can be a really tough decision.  Perhaps there is some tradition that your family has, or one you would like to start, in regard to naming babies.  For example, each of our children have familial names with one name being from each side of the family; first name from one side, middle name from the other.  And don't assume that just because you love a name, your partner will too.  My dh cannot be sold on Beatrice, even though I love it!  Also, no matter what name you pick, some people will hate it.  What matters is whether or not YOU love it.  If you know that someone will hate your choice, you may choose not to share your options until they are on a birth certificate.

* Think about childbirth classes or techniques.  There are so many options for childbirth classes, and not every one is going to be right for every person.  Take the time to learn about what is available and what feels like it would be best for YOU.  Lamaze and Bradley are two well known techniques.  Hypnobabies is my preferred method (great not only for birth but also for pregnancy insomnia and birth fear!).  Birthworks is another natural childbirth technique.  Several stores, birth centers, hospitals and doctors' offices also host birth classes.  One thing to be aware of is that some birth centers, hospitals and doctors' office classes will center around what their policies are, as opposed to helping you learn to manage and not fear labor.  Especially if you are on a limited budget, spending your dollars elsewhere may be a good idea.  Be willing to take a leap on some of these, too.  When I first heard of Hypnobabies, I laughed!  No way I thought it would work.  Turns out, I have used it for 2 amazing births and use the "Relax Me" track to help me sleep even when I am not pregnant!

* Decide what birth culture you are going to surround yourself with.  If you've never thought about "birth culture" before, this is a good time to do so!  If you spend hours every day watching traumatic (dramatic) births on A Baby Story, or some other television program, you may want to consider how you are programming yourself to think of how birth looks.  And once that belly starts to bump, people start feeling the need to tell you their terrible birth stories.  The gorier they are, the more they feel the need to share.  One thing to remember, though, is that MOST of the scary, terrible birth stories out there happened because of lack of preparation, bad positioning, hospital policy, or interventions.  Pitocin, for example, is standard operating procedure in most hospital births these days, though it is almost always unnecessary.  It causes horribly painful contractions that are difficult for both mother and baby to tolerate.  Mother almost always ends up with an epidural to numb the pain of the Pitocin, and then labor and pushing don't proceed well because of the epidural or baby is distressed from the intense contractions and a c-section is performed.  So when Debbie down the street gets to the part of her birth story where they put her on Pitocin because she wasn't progressing fast enough (for the doctor), you can pretty much guarantee that the birth went down hill from there.  It wasn't because BIRTH was scary.  It was because PITOCIN is scary.

Knowing this can help you to decide what images of birth you are willing to allow yourself to receive.  Birth can be one of a couple things.  It can be a beautiful, empowering experience that brings you into a new understanding of your body.  It can be the equivalent of pushing your body to run a marathon.  Or it can be a scary, dreaded time of pain and agony.  How can it be so different for different births?  Fear.  In American culture, birth is portrayed as an illness at best, or a narrow walk with death at worst.  But in reality, birth is simply a natural process that takes place within the human body.  Most issues that would arise during a birth are rare, and modern medicine takes care of most of them.  So, the fear of complications is really something that mothers need to try to put aside.  The reality of the matter is that you are far more likely to have a healthy pregnancy, birth and baby than not.

The fear of pain is the other great worry with child birth.  The thing about fear is that it causes your muscles to tighten for fight or flight. Tight muscles during labor and birth are NOT your friend.  Think of it like this.  If you get a Charlie horse in your leg, clenching your muscle in reaction is PAINFUL!  It doesn't help the Charlie horse to go away.  It actually prolongs the cramp and makes it worse.  But relaxing, stretching, taking a deep breath, drinking some water and breathing makes the cramp go away much more quickly, and leaves less pain behind afterwards.  Now, a Charlie horse is a CONTRACTION of the muscle in your leg.  So when your uterus has the same type of contraction, the same techniques will cause the pain to be less, as well as shorter duration.  And, allowing your body to do its work and get through the contractions instead of fighting them allows your birth to progress more quickly and smoothly, with less intervention.

So, since fear is not your friend during pregnancy and birth, how do you stay away from it?  Not allowing people to tell you their nightmarish birth stories is a good start.  Simply smile and say, "I'm sorry, I'm just not listening to scary birth stories until after the baby is born." And then introduce a new topic of conversation.  People are uncomfortable changing the subject and will usually not even go back to question your statement if you introduce a new topic right away.  Another way to stay away from fear is to surround yourself with positive birthing stories.  You can watch videos of positive births on You Tube.  You can read positive birth stories from me or other people.  You can pick up a copy of pretty much any book by Ina May Gaskin, and get a plethora of positive birth stories.  I would start with Spiritual Midwifery, personally.  Visualize the birth you DO want, instead of worrying about the birth you don't want.  If your birth could be perfect for you, what would it look like?

* Start talking about the baby with your older children.  We give the baby a nickname until we find out the gender, then we give the baby a permanent name when we are ready.  This has helped our children to have a connection with the baby before birth.  We have followed along with Your Pregnancy Week by Week, for some pregnancies, or used websites or phone apps that send a weekly note discussing the development of the baby every week.  Again, you may find that some websites or books send more doom and gloom than baby development and you may choose not to utilize those sites or books.  We used the midwifery guide at the end of Spiritual Midwifery with Elliott's pregnancy when Sofi was old enough to want to see pictures of the organs, the baby, and the birth.  She still has her copy, full of Post-it Note flags.  There are many library books about bringing in a new baby to the home, as well as coloring books.  Getting out baby things and discussing what the baby will be like and what everyone will do with the baby, and how the baby is an asset to the family is a great way to involve siblings.

* Start researching feeding your baby.  The choice between breast and bottle feeding is not something to be taken lightly, nor decided at the last minute.  There is extensive research that supports breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months of a child's life (1, 2, 3, 4, 5).  However, breastfeeding isn't something that just happens without preparation and support.  Also, if you are planning to return to work, you will need to arrange a pump and time to use it, as well as a place to store milk at work and at home.  If you are planning to formula feed, there are considerations to be made there as well.  What type of bottles and formula will you use?  How much will this cost you?  Will you need to rearrange your budget to be able to formula feed?

* Start considering diapering.  Really, you should be considering cloth diapering.  If you are having children to leave this world to, you should really start considering what type of world you are leaving them, and disposable diapers are the third largest contributor to landfills!  I'm not going to go into all of the benefits of cloth diapering here, but this article is probably the best I've ever read about the dangers of disposables.  And cloth diapering isn't what it used to be, with the origami, the pins and the rubber pants.  These days you can buy cloth diapers that are just like changing a disposable, only when the diaper pail is full, you toss it in the washer instead of the trash can.  Or, you can buy very basic prefold diapers with a Snappi and a cute cover, which is more similar to the old concept and probably the most economical if you are buying.  Or, if you are handy with a sewing machine, you can make your own diapers as personalized as you like!  Check out this post to get an idea of the styles that are available now.

However, I know that not everyone - heck, not even MOST people - will cloth diaper.  If that is the case, you will want to start thinking about what diapering options you will use.  Many babies have issues with different types of diapers, so don't assume that you will be able to use the store brand that is the cheapest.  Think about what qualities are most important to you in a diaper, and what brands/types cater to those qualities.

Either way, you need to think about how to pay for the diapers you will be using, and what you can afford to spend.  Cloth diapers are a higher expense up front, but much lower in the long term.  Disposables can be bought in lower quantity as needed and the cost is more spread out over time.  Whichever you choose, starting to buy now means that you will have less expense in this arena after baby arrives, and you will also be prepared should baby arrive a bit before expected.

* Will you be vaccinating?  This is such a personal decision, but it is one that you need to make for yourself as a parent.  Many people assume from the get go that they will (or will not) be vaccinating, based on what the culture around them does.  Many religious faiths do not vaccinate.  Many people simply assume that a child has to have vaccines or they won't be allowed to participate in everyday things, like school or sports.  However, most states have vaccine exemptions that allow children to participate in these things.  The exemptions are based on medical issues (like allergies or adverse reactions to vaccinations), religion, or philisophical views.

So, why would some people opt out of vaccines?  For starters, not everyone believes that the ingredients in vaccines are safe.  For another, many are concerned about the growing number of vaccines given to children and the possibility for side effects or adverse effects.  Also, many people simply are not convinced that vaccines have cured the diseases that they claim to, as there is much evidence that better hygiene and sanitation, along with better nutrition, have actually been responsible for lowering incidence of these diseases.  This is a really great article about that, if you are interested in reading more.

However, as I said, this is an important topic to research and make a decision for yourself.  The overwhelming choice in the United States is to vaccinate, but this is something that every parent should read up on and KNOW that they are making the best decision for their child.

* If you are having a son, will you circumcise?  This is another decision that needs to be researched and made, not just assumed.  Many parents assume that pretty much all boys are circumcised, and so theirs will be too.  However, only in the US are baby boys routinely circumcised, and the number of baby boys being circumcised here is declining.  The latest numbers available have circumcision rates at about 33% of baby boys in the US, meaning that there is a good chance that child's friends will be not be circumcised.  There are many reasons that people regularly give for circumcising - cleanliness, health, cosmetic reasons - but studies now show that most of these are not valid.  Also important to know:

117 baby boys die annually in the United States as a result of circumcision.

As with everything else, the decision is one that only the parents can make for their sons.  But, again, it is something that should be thought about, researched and decided.  Here are some articles to get you started!  (1, 2, 3)  *As a side note, these articles are all opposed to circumcision, however, they all offer links to outside research meant to help parents make the decision for themselves.  If you plan to circumcise your son, please take the time to read these articles and the research involved before making a permanent decision.

* Start thinking about childcare.  Will you or your husband be staying home after the baby is born?  If not, who will care for your baby when you return to work?  Are you more comfortable with a family member?  Friend?  In home day care?  Day care center?  How will your feeding, diapering, vaccination, and parenting choices affect this decision?  What if there are special circumstances for your baby (like a health issue, allergies, etc)?  Start planning this ahead of time so that you are sure you are comfortable with your decision.

* Consider your maternity leave, if you are employed.  How long will you want to take off work?  Can you combine vacation time with your maternity leave to get more time off?  Can you afford to take extra unpaid time off?  Would you prefer to use your leave for the end of your pregnancy as well as after your birth, or are you saving it all until after baby comes?  Plan and talk to the proper people at work to get this lined up.

* Check out parenting classes and support in your area.  If you've got lots of experience with babies and children, you may know exactly what you are doing.  If you or your partner has never changed a diaper before in your life, a class, or at least a crash course with a friend, may be just what you need to help you feel confident.  If you plan to breastfeed, a class or some support group meetings before baby arrives can be invaluable.  La Leche League and your local WIC office (whether you will be participating in the WIC program or not) are two great places to start looking for support groups.  Also, many hospitals with maternity wards offer classes or support groups for breastfeeding moms.

* Think about pediatric care for your baby.  This is a tricky subject. Most doctor's offices will have a schedule for well baby visits.  They will want to check out your baby every few weeks in the beginning and then every few months as they get older.  At these visits, your baby will be physically looked over, measured, weighed, and charted to compare him/her to other babies the same age.  The doctor will go over milestones to be certain that baby is developing at a rate consistent with his/her peers.  And vaccines will be administered if you are vaccinating.

If you are vaccinating, it is important that you have a consistent doctor who can keep track of what vaccines your child has received and when he or she received them.  You will want to stay on schedule so that baby doesn't get behind and have to have extra doses together to "catch up".  Also, it can be nice to have someone else checking over your baby and reassuring you that everything is fine.

On the other hand, if you are old hat at parenting, or aren't vaccinating, and you feel confident that your baby is developing appropriately, many parents choose to skip these well visits, and mainly take the baby in for sick care.  Personally, I take a middle ground.  I like to have a steady caregiver who knows my children well, so that when my child is sick, the caregiver knows me and my children well enough to treat them in a way congruent with our choices.  However, I do not like to haul my children in to doctors any more than needed, so I usually choose a family practitioner over a pediatrician.  Typically, these doctors are less concerned with well visits as long as the child is thriving.

No matter what you think you will want for your child in regards to well vs sick visits, you need to decide ahead of time what type of care you think you will want, and what your plan for care for your child will be.  If you will do well visits, it is a good idea to choose a pediatrician or family doctor ahead of time.  If you will not, where will you take the baby if he/she does need medical attention?  Will you have a specific doctor already established?  Will you utilize emergency rooms, urgent care or minute clinics?  What choice do you think will work best for YOUR family?

* Think about where baby will sleep.  Trust me, this is far more complicated than it sounds!  First of all, your newborn is going to sleep tons.  So, not only do you need to plan where baby will sleep at night - when you are supposedly sleeping also, but you will also need to plan for where baby will sleep during the day.  And then, your baby will come along and have his or her own opinion about the whole thing too!  Sofi, for example, started out in a cradle next to our bed.  We were living with my husband's parents when she was born, and we had to share a room (although I had planned on it anyway).  Micah likes to tease me that Sofi slept in that cradle for at least 10 minutes before I tucked her into bed beside me and she rarely left afterwards.  But, that was at night.  During the day, Micah worked second shift, so Sofi sleeping in the room where he was still asleep didn't work.  Besides, she was rarely willing to let me put her down during the day.  What we finally found that worked, besides me just holding her while she slept, was putting her in her swing, where she slept happily for 20 minutes or so at a time.  Walter was planned to sleep with us from the get go, but during the day he went back and forth between preferring to sleep in the bed upstairs or the crib downstairs.  So, figuring out where and how everyone will sleep best is something to consider now, but it is best to be open to what baby will think as well.

There are many advocates of baby having his or her own room, here in America.  If you are planning on this, you will want to be sure that you can adequately hear baby from your own room, when you are asleep.  If the rooms aren't very close together, a monitor can be helpful.  Also, be certain to research your baby bed to be certain that it meets all safety standards and doesn't have any active recalls.

There are equally as many advocates for baby sleeping in his or her own bed in the same room as the parents.  Many studies suggest that baby sleeping in the same room as the parents (specifically the mother), decrease the risk of SIDS (some studies have found up to 10 fold protection from SIDS).

And there are also many advocates of baby sleeping directly in bed with the mother.  This approach, however, is one that does need to be researched if it is going to be done.  There are practices that make this arrangement safe, and practices that make it a time bomb.  It is best to at least read through the guidelines for safe bed sharing ahead of time, because most parents in America take their baby to bed with them at least occasionally.  And the risk of having an accident when you aren't used to having a baby in your bed is much higher than if you usually have the baby in your bed.  You can read about safe bed sharing, and why some families choose to practice it, at these links.  (1, 2)

* Start thinking about what day to day life is going to look like with baby.  How will you handle mundane daily tasks with a little one?  Do you plan to have a baby in a bouncy seat or swing much of the day?  Is your floor safe for baby to play on? Will you need to consider pets when you are considering what baby will be doing?  Do you see yourself using a baby carrier like a ring sling, wrap or mai tei?  The best way to do this is simply to think, as you go through your standard day, what your baby will be doing while you handle each of your daily tasks.

This may sound silly, but with our first baby, she simply lived in the sling until she was old enough to sit on the floor and play - around 6 months or so.  I never had to think about what to do with her because she would not tolerate being put down.  Easy peasy.  Plus, I had the support of my in-laws to accommodate regular tasks.  Our second baby was literally in my arms before I realized that there was not one safe place that I could set him down on the first floor of our house and just go to the bathroom by myself!  We had a two year old, two cats and a dog.  I couldn't just lay him on a blanket on the floor without risk of some mishap.  I couldn't lay him on the couch.  Our swing is a travel swing, which we love, but it has a low profile - again not safe from a toddler or pets.  We did not have a bouncy seat or any other baby holder.  After I realized this, Micah got the cradle and put it up in a corner of our living room.  Then I could lay him down when I needed to attend to something else and know that he would be safe!

* Create a birth plan.  This might seem trivial if you have never before had a baby, but it is really important to plan how you would LIKE birth to go.  Now, no birth goes completely according to plan, but there are some things you CAN plan for.  You can plan whether or not you would like the OPTION of eating or drinking during labor, what positions you are interested in pursuing (or not pursuing), what pain relief options you would like to use, who you would like to be present or not present during delivery, what post birth interventions you would like to use and when you would like them to be administered.  These should all be written down and discussed ahead of time with your care provider.  Print out a copy and give to your provider ahead of time for your file, and bring a copy or two along to the hospital to share with your nurses.

This is a nice article with a sample birth plan to look over.  And this is my natural birth plan, written when we were expecting Elliott.

* Prevent a c-section.  No, really.  You don't want a c-section.  The estimated healthy rate for cesarean births is >15% of all births.  The rate of cesarean birth in the United States is roughly 33% of overall births.  However, this doesn't mean that all practitioners have a 33% cesarean rate.  My practitioner was close to 10% when I had Sofi and Walter, yet the national average was much higher.  This means that for my doctor whose rates were 21% below normal, there was a doctor who was 21% above normal - or had a cesarean rate of 52%.  So, just because you assume that you won't have an unnecessary cesarean birth, doesn't mean that your doctor is assuming the same thing.

Talk to your practitioner ahead of time about his or her c-section rate.  Find out about what his or her general practices and policies are.  Find out if you will be forced to birth on your back (the scientifically documented worst position for birth, and most often used by doctors).  Find out if you will be allowed to push with your urges or if the doctor is going to tell you when to push.  All of these things are contributing factors in a cesarean birth.  Also, check out ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) for some great information about avoiding a c-section, or a repeat c-section.  If you have chosen a provider with a low c-section rate, you've talked to him about your preferences, and you have researched how to avoid a c-section - and you end up with one anyway, then you will at least feel good knowing that you did everything you could to prevent it and that you were probably one of that >15% who truly needed the intervention - and go for your VBAC next time!

* Prepare meals and snacks ahead of time for after baby comes.  Freezer cooking is a great way to make the transition easier on your family!  Make double batches of food that you are already cooking and freeze the second batch.  When baby comes, you can just reheat a pot of chili, or pop a dish of enchiladas in the oven, without the fuss of cooking.  Those first few months when you are trying to figure out how to juggle getting a glass of water with taking care of baby are going to be overwhelming enough already.  Taking care of dinner and some snacks ahead of time will make this so much easier.

* Pack a hospital bag.  You don't want to try to remember what you need and pack it while you are laboring.  Just get this done ahead of time and feel good about it!

* Take a hospital or birthing center tour, if you will be birthing at one of these.  Don't come in laboring and try to figure out where to get checked in, where Labor and Delivery is, and what you will need to do to be admitted.  Do this all ahead of time, and it will ease some of that birth day anxiety.  Also, this is a good time to pre-register with the hospital so you don't have to fill out a bunch of paperwork while you are distracted later.

* Put baby's carseat in your car - before you need to use it.  Not all carseats work with all cars.  And sometimes even the second go round for the same car and seat doesn't work out!  When we had our second baby, Micah took the carseat out to install it in our Golf and found that both of us were too tall to drive with two rear facing carseats in the back!  We could not fit them both and still have the driver seat back far enough!  We literally had to go buy a new car two weeks before our second child was born.  That would have been quite a hassle if we hadn't discovered this until we were trying to leave the hospital.

Also, you can call the local police precinct and make an appointment to have a specialist check your installation to make sure you've done it properly.  And research carseat laws and use.  The laws about what seats can be used for what age/size children are different in many states.  And it is not as simple as buying a seat, putting the baby in, and driving down the road.  The straps need to be installed properly, the clips need to be in the correct position, and some clothing worn in carseats is dangerous.  Know all of these things before you put your baby in the seat for the first time.

* Plan for your labor and getting to your delivery destination.  If you or your partner are at work, how will you get home or to your destination?  Who will care for your older children?  Do you have pets that may need attention while you are away?  Have these things covered ahead of time.

* Research newborn interventions for baby and decide what you are comfortable with.  Most hospitals, birthing centers, and even midwives will have their general list of newborn interventions that they routinely use - or not.  As a parent, you will have to decide which of these you are comfortable with, and which you are not.  These interventions include cord clamping and cutting, vitamin K, antibiotic eye ointment, Hep B vaccination, bathing, and separation from mother.

Cord clamping can be done immediately, or it can be delayed.  Many practitioners prefer to cut immediately, for different reasons.  If you are planning on banking your baby's cord blood, you'll need to clamp and cut immediately.  Some practitioners will claim to cut immediately to keep mom from losing too much blood.  However, delaying clamping can allow baby to receive up to 40% more blood - which can give baby higher iron stores.  This can be very important for a breastfed baby, as breast milk doesn't contain excess iron.

Vitamin K is routinely given to all babies after birth because it helps blood to clot and newborn babies have very low supplies of vitamin K.  Their blood levels of vitamin K reach full levels at about day 8 or 10.  This can be important for babies who are going to be circumcised in the days following birth, to make sure they don't bleed out during or following the procedure   It is also important if your baby has had birth trauma, like severe bruising or a forceps birth.  It is also important if your baby is one of the 1 in 100,000 babies who suffers from a genetic disorder which can cause cerebral hemorrhage.  So, there is a lot of support for giving babies vitamin K.  However, the part that most practitioners won't tell you is that the amount of vitamin K given and the preservatives in the injection have been associated with raised levels of Leukemia and an increased possibility of jaundice.  So, some parents opt out of vitamin K supplement altogether.  Some opt for an oral dose of vitamin K, at a lower level than the shot.  And some opt for the shot itself.

Antibiotic eye ointment, often referred to as "eye goop", is administered to a newborn's eyes to prevent blindness caused by encountering gonorrhea in the birth canal.  If mom has gonorrhea, eye goop should be on your yes list!  If not, and she will have an STD test as part of her prenatal care, then the eye goop becomes more of a question mark.  If mom (or dad) is indulging in behaviors that may have caused an STD after the last test, then eye goop should probably be considered.  If mom is not at risk of an STD, then applying antibiotics to a newborn's eyes may not be the best choice.  At the bare minimum, it makes the baby's vision blurry for an hour or two during a critical bonding time with mother.  If baby can't see mom, it is hard for baby to identify mom's face.  Also, the eye ointment causes burning, irritation, and even swelling.  And antibiotics should be reserved for essential use - not overused for daily concerns.

Hepatitis B vaccination is another newborn procedure that causes a lot of turmoil for new parents.  This vaccine is recommended for babies at birth OR at 2 months.  This means that if you are torn about the Hep B vaccine, you can delay it until the 2 month appointment and still be "on schedule".  If mom has Hep B, it is recommended that the baby get the vaccine at birth.  If not, it can easily be delayed, if the parents just don't feel right about a vaccine at birth.  Hep B should be researched along with all other vaccines.

Bathing seems so trivial, doesn't it?  Why not wash a newborn baby?  I mean, they are all covered in slime and goo, right?  Just let the nurse wash baby off and it will be fine!  Right?  But, believe it or not, there are a few things to be considered here.  First of all, bathing lowers baby's body temperature, which is something that baby is already working hard to maintain.  This can lead to baby being carted off to the nursery to be monitored and put under heat lamps.  Also, the vernix that coats the baby's skin is a natural lubricant and protection for baby.  It provides a barrier between baby and the germs of the outside world.  And in a hospital, having a barrier between baby and germs doesn't seem like such a bad idea.  Also, many baby toiletry products are not as gentle and safe as they claim to be.  The products used at the hospital may not be as safe for your baby as you would like.  If you do choose to have baby bathed at the hospital, you may choose to bring your own toiletries to the hospital with you for the nurses to use.  If you are wondering which baby products are safest for baby, check out the Skindeep database at EWG.

Separation from mom is standard operating procedure at many hospitals.  Under normal circumstances, at a healthy birth, baby is often allowed to bond with mom for a few minutes, then whisked away to the nursery for an hour or two to be weighed, measured, bathed, and inspected.  All of these sound like good things, right?  Except for what they don't take into consideration.  To begin with, when a baby is born, he or she will experience an hour or two of quiet alertness.  During this time, baby will be bonding with mom, learning to nurse, studying mom's face, and imprinting his or her caregivers.  After this time, baby will become sleepy, and will remain so for the next several days.  If baby is taken away from mom during this quiet alert phase, that time is just gone.  Plus, mom is imprinting the baby during this time.  Her hormones are primed to be bonding with baby.  The hormones are also keeping her feeling good and alert, provided it was a good birth.  These hormones will also dissipate over time, and mom will not be as primed for bonding after these wear off.  Also, she will be tired from labor and birth.  So, either having these procedures delayed or done in the room is a benefit to both mom and baby.

For more information about newborn procedures, here are some good articles.  (1, 2, 3)

* Have some short term projects ready for the days/weeks leading up to baby's birth.  You will want something to distract yourself from obsessing over every twinge and movement.  At the same time, a large project may not get finished before baby comes - and may not get finished for a long while after!

For the printable, short version of the checklist, click here.

What else would you add?

Parenting 101: Remember How Young They Really Are

One common pitfall of parenting is when a child asks to use the potty for the first time, and is successful - and mom and dad decide that it is time for the child to use the potty ALL the time, because obviously, the child knows how.  But, just because a child can focus on something and do it one time, does not mean that he or she is ready to remember to do that thing ALL the time.

Now, take that and apply it to EVERYTHING about childhood.

Our children make giant leaps every day in their intelligence and abilities.  They ASTOUND us all the time!  I am awed multiple times a day by the new things my kids are doing.  But that doesn't mean that they are ready to be mature enough to do everything that they can, all of the time.  And our expectations of our children to be mature at all times, is one of our biggest failures as parents.

When our kids ask us to do things that we know they are or have been capable of, we need to remember that they are not little robots who can do what we have programmed them to do on command.  Even as adults, we cannot always do things that we are usually capable of.  Remembering that our children are still very young is a wonderful gift that we can give to them.

And on my third baby, I find myself looking back, comparing him to the other two children at the same age, and I realize how much pressure I put on them to be more mature than they were ready to be.  And I have found myself realizing that I STILL expect a lot out of them when they may not be capable of actually DOING those things all the time.  And relaxing my expectations has allowed us to connect more, be more loving, and have less stress in our days.

So when your child isn't living up to your expectations, no matter how old they are or how capable they are, take a deep breath and remember how young they really are.

Parenting 101: Carve Out Space for YOU

When I had one baby, it was easy to ignore my own needs.  I held a baby instead of eating.  I could go hours on end without peeing.  That was probably because I rarely drank anything.  We had just moved cross country, so I had very few friends.  I spent all of my free time focusing on my baby.  When she slept, I would sit down at the computer and socialize with other moms who were going through a similar set of circumstances, and research things that I had never thought to research before.  I didn't have hobbies anymore, although I've always been crafty.  The closest I came to doing something for myself was when Sofi was old enough to play by herself for a few moments and I would sew her a few dresses.

But at the time, that was enough.

When I had another baby, they rarely slept at the same time.  Their needs almost always seemed to overlap.  If Sofi needed me to play, Walter needed me to be quiet   If Sofi needed a nap, Walter needed a diaper.  If Sofi needed me to be cooking, Walter needed me to be nursing (and he would NOT hang out in the sling to do so).  Sofi went to bed at 9:00. Walter went to bed at 12:00.  Sofi woke up at 7:00.  Walter woke up at 10:00.  Finding time to do what I wanted to do seemed impossible.  I couldn't even sit down at the computer during nap time, or after I had put the kids to bed, because there was always still one kid awake; or else I was too exhausted by the time they both went to sleep at night.

And that was one of the hardest, darkest points in my adult life.

Learning that it was vital for me to carve out time for myself, teaching my kids to cooperate with that time, created my ability to parent well.  Until I learned that taking care of my own needs - and not just my basic needs - was an actual necessity, I was not as capable of a parent as I am now.  When I learned to carve out time in each day to do what I WANT, what makes me feel whole, what calms me, it changed the way I viewed my job as a parent, and my worth as a person.

But it can be REALLY overwhelming to figure out how to meet a mama's need for enjoyment, satisfaction, or creation when she has very young children about.  I actually still struggle with it sometimes.  In fact, two or three weeks ago I started down a path full of obstacles to some much needed down time in my day.  When I was almost in tears because the big kids had waken the baby much too early from a nap, and he wasn't going back down, I realized that I had been neglecting my own need for some calm in the day, and that I needed to figure out how to get it back - quickly!  Several friends suggested TV, videos, Netflix, and the like.  But we don't own a TV.  My kids are really not into TV like most kids are, because they don't remember ever having a TV at our house.  They will pretty much only watch a TV if they can't come up with ANYTHING else to do.  And, I kind of hate TV.  So, that one doesn't so much work for us.

But, I set to work strategizing, and came up with some good ideas that have worked out for us.

Taking an opportunity to knit for a few minutes while the kids are busy playing on Christmas Eve.

1. Get a hobby!  A nice, portable hobby that is easy to grab at a moment's notice is nice.  For me, that is knitting.  My knitting resides in the basket beside my chair or in the bag on the back of my chair.  Elliott can't get into it these places, and the bigger kids know not to.  I can grab it up and start stitching at a moment's notice, and I can set it down again 5 minutes later when the baby falls and bangs his head. Books, hand sewing, crocheting, a little bottle of lotion for a quick foot massage, a phone for a play or two of Words With Friends - these are all quick hobbies.  Whatever you can come up with, latch on and remember to grab it up as soon as you have a minute of time with no one demanding your attention!

2. Figure out how to prioritize things that are important to you.  For instance, my poor, neglected blog here.  I LOVE blogging!  I love sharing my experiences with the world.  But blogging, for me, requires concentration, uninterrupted time to work, and a computer with a keyboard.  After my PC died last spring, I had a hard time working out all of those things.  But the realization this month that my blog is something that I've sorely missed helped me to prioritize it back to the top of my list, instead of something that I would get to if all of the stars lined up correctly.

3. Don't check out before you take care of yourself.  Prioritizing brings me to this note.  When I got so run down from not taking care of myself, I began watching videos on my phone whenever I did have a minute.  And sometimes when I didn't.  I have always followed a few TV shows on the computer - Grey's Anatomy is the big one, and the only one I used to watch.  Then I got a smart phone and I could watch while I was putting the baby down for a nap.  So, I started following Once Upon a Time, Revenge, and Castle.  So, a lot of days, I would watch one show while I nursed.  Then, I got so tired from not taking care of myself, I began watching anything with a new episode on ABC.  And THEN Papa signed up for a free month of Netflix and it was ON!  I watched Bones - all 7 seasons - in about a week in December.  Now, partly, I sit by myself in the evenings, after all of the kids are in bed (because they do all sleep simultaneously these days), while Papa is doing school online, and I am LONELY.  So, it isn't unusual for me to plug in a show and have something to watch while I knit, by myself.  But, I had to realize that I wasn't just watching a show for something to think about while I was otherwise non-mobile, anymore.  I had begun plugging in my one earphone and sitting in front of a screen as a means of escape from a routine that had become too difficult for me.  Changing that involved summoning up the energy to get past just sitting with my earphone, and picking my knitting back up, or blogging - even if it is the end of the day and I am tired.  What we do to check out doesn't fulfill us.  But doing what we love re-energizes us - leaving us more ready to tackle the things that are actually wearing us out.

4. Be willing to take it in doses.  When Walter was a baby, I began working with the kids on entertaining themselves for short amounts of time so that I could do what I wanted for a few minutes.  I would lay Walter down in the baby gym at my feet, and say to Sofi, "Mama is going to knit now.  What are YOU going to do?"  It took a week or so, but she was able to start drifting over to the toys and finding something to play with by herself for 10 or 15 minutes.  That may not seem like that long, but that was about 100 times longer than I was getting to knit before that! We worked at it and it didn't take long before the kids were able to play for half an hour while I worked.  Then, dinner time became a smidge easier, because they could play for a few minutes (some days!).  And then suddenly, they were old enough that they were attached at the hip and too busy to need much!  And THEN, I had another baby.  :D  So now I'm teaching him to let me have my 10 or 15 minutes here and there.  But the catch is that you have to be willing to TAKE that 10 or 15 minutes without resentment!  If you are busy being angry that you ONLY got 10 minutes instead of 30, you can't appreciate the 10 minutes you DID get.  So, remember to just add up all of the minutes in your day to a respectable amount of time.

5. Set a timer.  When I really get to the point of wear that I NEED the kids to just let me have 30 minutes of calm, I will tell them how I'm feeling, and I will set a timer.  I will tell them, "Mama is just feeling really tired and overwhelmed right now, and I need a little bit of calm time to help me rest and feel better.  I'm going to set the timer on my phone for 30 minutes, and I am going to sit in my chair and knit until it goes off.  I would really love it if you guys could play calmly until the alarm goes off."  And my kids, since they are used to having their own needs met, can usually respect this.  If I were doing it every day, I think it would become a power struggle.  But since I only do it when I REALLY need it, they are willing to give it to me because they know they are genuinely helping us ALL out in that moment.

6. Enlist some help.  We all need help some days.  And there are many ways to get it, even if you can't think of any off the top of your head.  Is there a grandparent who would love to come play with your child, or take your child out for a few hours once a week or so?  How about an aunt or uncle?  Is there an older child in the neighborhood who just loves babies or young kids and would love to come hang out for a little while here and there and play with your kids?  What about a teenager or college student who might be looking to make a little extra money (if you can afford to pay a few dollars) by babysitting while you do something you enjoy?  What about Dad?  Can he take over bath or bedtime to give you some time to sit and be calm?  Or can he take over the child care for an evening once or twice a week so that you can join a group, go on a Mom's Night Out, go get a manicure, or do something else that you enjoy?  If none of these is possible, what about a child care or work trade with another mom who has similar age children?  You watch her kids and your own one afternoon a week and then drop your kids off with her a different afternoon.

7. Enjoy it!  It may sound trite, but you can choose to be annoyed that you aren't getting enough down time.  You can choose to feel neglected because your needs come last.  Or, you can choose to enjoy what you do get, realize that you DO get it, and that there are people who are happy to help you get that down time.  Focusing your energy on being grateful for what we DO have, and enjoying it, actually helps to re-energize us and to face a new day happily, instead of continuing to struggle.

How do you carve out down time for yourself?